I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
