im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
