i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
