to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
