theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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