Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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