Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize