my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Randomize
