Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
