In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
