...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
