honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
