i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
time to smoke my breakfast
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
