alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
