I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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