The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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