Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
