I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
