Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
