Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
