Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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