my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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