I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
