Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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