I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
