there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
