just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
