i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize