I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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