dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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