i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
