I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you traded sex for a burrito?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
