Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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