i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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