I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
