The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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