normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
