the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
