Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
