So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
People in love make me want to vomit
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
