so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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