Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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