things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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