i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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