My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize