Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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