According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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