Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
