i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
