he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize