normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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