So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
