and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
