I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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