this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
