sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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