You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
