Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My penis needs a shock collar
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
