I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
