nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
