dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
