someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
