So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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