I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
