I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize