I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
