Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
