If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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