I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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