I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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