It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize