I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
