Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
